Deborah Skalabrin, MSW, LICSW
Ever feel like you and your child are speaking different languages?
Maybe you are.
If you're the parent of a child, teen, or young adult with Autism, Asperger's, Anxiety, or sensory sensitivities, you may struggle to understand and respond to your child's sensory reactions, sleep patterns, overwhelm, and objections to daily tasks like getting out of bed, eating, grooming, "being social," switching activities, completing chores, and attending school or work. Something as seemingly benign as taking a bath, eating at a restaurant, walking through a mall, or wearing socks can become an unexpected battleground. Even kid-friendly fun can go sideways. What younger child wouldn't love to attend a sleepover, play in a ball pit, ride a bike, or join neighborhood games? What teen isn't excited to get a driver's license, a first job, or a first date? Many of our kids, that's who!
Neurodivergent kids think, speak, and behave in ways that make perfect sense for the way their brains work, but which can seem unexpected to others with more"neurotypical" brains --- including their parents. With perceptions and experiences so different from one another, it's not surprising we end up with misunderstandings, conflict, and stress.
Our kids go through so much growing up -- as they're told they don't fit in, are bullied or complained about, fail in school or give up trying, struggle to make and keep friends, are accused of overreacting, or clash with teachers. Even when we mean well, parents can become part of the cycle, as we try to be patient and help, then become frustrated or angry ourselves. Defend our kids to the world one minute and wish they would "fit in" the next. We feel judged and can even feel like we're failing. All we want is to raise a polite child who grows into a productive, happy adult...why is that so hard?
Our child's gifts can be wonderful, but can also become sources of stress or pain. Maybe we see and appreciate their rare interests, special talents, caring heart, or sense of humor, but worry about the intensity or usefulness of these. We may fear our child's best traits go unnoticed by others, or doubt that this sports-focused world has a place for such gifts to shine.
Meanwhile, our child is pushing against our limits on electronics and "chill" time in their room, and chafing against the family dinners and holiday get-togethers we value. They even reject the school clubs or team sports we suggest so they can make new friends! How are we supposed to help if nothing we try works? All life this stress, nervous system activation, and negative feedback can contribute to our anxiety, depression, shutdown, and/or defensiveness. And our kids might be right there too.
We probably could fill volumes with all we've tried as parents.
We've read parenting books (our kids mostly aren't in there), tried rewards and consequences, joined support groups, fought battles over rules, reminded and re-reminded, given time-outs, tried gentle parenting, asked for help from the school, and delayed dealing with things because to avoid the conflict.
We've forged onward with parenting goals such as trying to reduce "rudeness" or teaching breathing for self-calming, but it still feels like we're pushing a giant rock uphill. Our child still struggles to meet the world's standards, or, if we're honest, often doesn't seem all that interested in them in the first place.
Are we asking too much? Are they just making things harder for no reason?
What we try; what doesn't work.
Our kids are trying to cope in a world not made for them.
In therapy, we'll start with the belief that both you and your child are trying your best, in circumstances not built for your success.
We'll work to turn the stress dial down, so there's more space to explore who your child really is and what they want and need, along with who you are, and your parenting desires and goals.
You'll learn more effective ways to help your child navigate this diverse world successfully and with the independence that makes sense for them, without losing who they are.
We'll also explore your experience of parenting, and identify actions and beliefs that can set you on a path to less worry and more enjoyment of your unique child and experiences.
Examples of what we work on:
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Understanding your child's perspective, through empathy and curiousity for what it's like to be neurodivergent in a neurotypical world.
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Reducing unnecessary stressors that worsen anxiety and depression for you both, and keep you each struggling to cope and defend.
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Creating effective supports for growth your child needs and life demands, in ways that build competence and independence (or interdependence), while preserving self-esteem.
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Seeing conflict and "behaviors of concern" as possible neuro-mismatches, so you can work on the issues with connection, supportive communication, and creative solutions.
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Developing boundaries and limits that meet your values and parenting goals, honor your child's autonomy, and take into account differing developmental stages, capacities, and ways of being.
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Equipping your child with key social-emotional skills that are useful for anyone, like self-awareness, self-regulation, flexibility, anxiety reduction, mutual understanding, boundaries, and self-advocacy, so they can more confidently navigate the neurodivergent and neurotypical settings and people they may encounter.
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Nurturing your child's self confidence and your own, by considering more neuro-inclusive beliefs, growing strengths, and repairing past disconnects (when possible).
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Problem-solving areas of stress like routines and habits, mutual communication, time management, social preferences, downtime needs, school achievement, and struggles with early "adulting," in ways that better honor needs, reduce friction, increase supports, and create more success.
If you are ready to know and help your neurodivergent child in a deeper way, and develop some parenting superpowers...(and you live in Spokane, Seattle or other parts of Washington State)...give me a call!