Deborah Skalabrin, MSW, LICSW
If you're reading this,
you're probably living in a war zone.
Parenting a child with Oppositional Defiance (ODD), or any tendency to defy adults, can feel like a battle on every issue, big and small. Over time, occasional conflicts become daily and epic, and parents struggle to know why and what to do to fix things.
All you may know is your child's refusing, arguing, tantrums, inflexibility, "disrespectful" language, and negative emotions are escalating. And you might be escalating too.
What you've tried; what hasn't worked.
It can feel like you're tried everything! Patience and love, explaining (and explaining again), reminding...then on to pleading, irritation, and full-on exasperation. Rewards, consequences, positive attention, ignoring...even yelling, threats or spanking. Possibly arriving at, "Fine, then I just don't care!" except you do (at least you think you do, deep down), so that's not the answer either.
Or maybe you've mostly offered love and empathy - that's the best way, right? Except "gentle parenting" can be vague on boundaries, and your child may have become more angry,"doubled down" or retaliated in response.
So here you are...exhausted, peace-deprived, and anxious. Even when your child isn't around. Because when the day dawns or your child walks through that door, you know the war will restart, and you feel powerless to stop it.
If only your child would change - things would get better. Except your child thinks you should change. You're both stuck.
So let's get unstuck!
This therapy is for you, the parent (or caregiver) of a child who seems (at the moment) to be "oppositional." Together, we can explore new ways to address the hard emotions weighing you down, and increase your positive connection and influence, while minimizing disconnects and hurt.
And the best news: you won't need your child's permission or readiness. Because this is just for you, the only person you have 100% control over. Working on your part of this pattern can be surprisingly powerful!
For example, we could explore how to:
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Understand and support where both you and your child are coming from, which can lower escalation and boost connection.
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Reduce "behaviors" through the power of empathy, which helps your child feel understood and hopefully less resistant to your input.
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Minimize frustrations and conflict, even if your child seems to "want" to fight. Choosing whether and how you participate, to empower you both.
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Create healthy boundaries and limits, so you both can feel safer and less harmed by interactions.
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Increase positive interactions so you can enjoy being with your child again.
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Ditch the reward/consequence loop, and replacing it with more effective ways to respond when you feel your child might be off-track.
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Support mutual problem-solving so you and your child can halt this war, and, ideally, work together again.