Deborah Skalabrin, MSW, LICSW
If you're reading this,
you're probably
living in a "war zone."
Parenting a child with Oppositional Defiance (ODD), or any tendency to defy adults, can feel like a daily siege - a battle with your child on every issue, big and small.
It may start with a major life stressor, a trauma, a family move, a bullying incident, a difficult developmental stage, or seemingly for no reason at all.
At first, we hope it won't last, but often it deteriorates -- into daily arguing, tantrums, inflexibility, low frustration tolerance, refusal to do homework (or even go to school), refusal to eat what you cook, refusal to go to bed, refusal to get in the car.
And the complaining! Enough with the complaining, already! Extreme disrespect too - hitting, spitting, calling names, or our child saying they hate us... or hate themselves. Is our child now chronically unhappy? Are we? Something has to change.
We can't be our best once this cycle gets going - no one can. Most of us start with patience and love, but over time we get irritated, and then full-on exasperated.
We may yell..a lot. And when our child says YET AGAIN that they hate the dinner we so carefully made, we may even lose our ever-loving mind, with,"YOU WILL NEVER EAT AGAIN!"
Eventually we're anxious even when we aren't arguing with our child. We wake in fear and live in dread. Because we know as soon as our child opens their eyes in the morning or walks through the door after school (or work), the arguing will start again, no matter how much we don't want it to.
Why try to be a parent at all? If we make rules or give consequences, even small ones, they don't work, PLUS a major battle breaks out. It's exhausting.
Feeling off-balance
It feels like we've tried everything! We've offered rewards, given consequences, made start charts, thrown star charts in the garbage, given attention, ignored the behaviors, and taken away privileges including electronics (sometimes for a year!).
We may have resorted to threats, or even spankings, which makes both us and our child feel terrible, plus damages our relationship and causes anger outbursts. In despair, we may give up (for the moment) and yell, "WHATEVER! Do what you want! I don't care!"
Except we really do care, deep down, and the "do what you want" plan reaaaaallly doesn't lead to good things for anyone.
Or maybe we understand that love and empathy work better. We might be trying "gentle parenting" only to feel our child still responds harshly, and our boundaries never stick. We feel awful, and our child feels awful. If only THEY would change, this cycle would finally stop. Except our child believes WE are the ones who need to change. It's a stalemate.
What we try;
what doesn't work
Luckily, there's another way.
In therapy, we'll work together on a new way to parent oppositional or struggling kids. A way to reach out, not with punishments or force, but (counterintuitively) with increased empathy, curiosity and understanding.
With supportive interactions, self-care, sane boundaries, and true connection, even in the face of our child's upset and dysregulation, we can all begin to feel more safe and secure, which can lead to trust, and (Yay!) improved behaviors.
Examples of what we work on:
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Understanding where your child is coming from, creating more connection.
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Reducing "behaviors" through the power of empathy, which helps your child feel safer, more understood, and hopefully less resistant to your input.
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Minimizing frustrations and conflict, even if your child seems to "want" to fight. Choosing whether and how you participate to empower you both.
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Creating healthy boundaries and limits, so you can can be more consistent and less extreme as a parent.
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Increasing positive interactions so you can enjoy being with your child again.
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Ditching the reward/consequence loop, and replacing it with more effective ways to respond when you feel your child might be off-track.
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Supporting mutual problem-solving, so you and your child can halt this war, and, ideally, start working together.
The above doesn't mean we give up our role as parents or "have no rules"
There are effective and empowering ways to raise respectful, responsible and happy humans, without using fear, physical punishment, or extreme "consequences."
Plus...and this is really exciting...we can try all these things even if our child won't "do" therapy, because they're not doing this therapy, we are! Working to change OURSELVES is the most powerful and loving way for things to change. With new ideas, we can take positive, healthy action in areas WE control, without depending on our kids to be "ready for therapy." Parents and caregivers are in the best position to influence through our own learning and actions, if we can be open, curious, and willing in the process.
Deep down, you probably sense your child needs you, and is calling out for help. And maybe you are ready to learn new ways to connect and parent - that's why you're reading this page! If you want to transform your relationship with your child (and live in Spokane, Seattle, or other areas of Washington State)...give me a call.